Generated Title: Verizon's New Corporate Affairs Czar: Just Rearranging Deck Chairs on the Titanic?

The Usual Suspects

So, Verizon hires this Franz Paasche guy as their new EVP of Corporate Affairs. Okay. Big deal. Another suit shuffling around. They're acting like this is some kind of revolutionary move, like they're not just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Franz Paasche joins Verizon as Executive Vice President, Corporate Affairs

Dan Schulman, the CEO – another PayPal guy, by the way, so you know how this is gonna go – is all excited about "redefining who we are as a company." Give me a break. That's corporate-speak for "we're losing money and need a scapegoat." I mean, let's be real, Verizon's been coasting on its name for decades. Innovation? Please. Customer service? Don't even get me started.

And this Paasche dude? He's bounced around more jobs than I've had hot dinners. PayPal, Columbia University (where he bolted after nine months amid some Trump-related drama, apparently), some advisory gig… Now he's gonna "redefine" Verizon? Seriously?

The Reorg Racket

They're consolidating three teams under this guy: global comms, responsible business (whatever that is), and public policy. Translation: more layers of management, more meetings, more PowerPoint presentations, and less actual work getting done. Stacy Sharpe, Donna Epps, Kathy Grillo – they're all reporting to Paasche now. I bet they're thrilled.

Schulman says they need to "rethink how we show up with our customers and compete in the market." Well no offcourse they do. Maybe instead of hiring another overpaid executive, they should try, I dunno, actually listening to their customers for once? Or maybe investing in their damn network instead of lining their own pockets?

Oh, and let's not forget the obligatory virtue signaling. This new "Corporate Affairs function" is all about "elevating our stakeholder engagement and connecting our value proposition and our purpose to the people and communities who count on us." Barf. It's all about optics, baby. Make the company look good, even if the reality is a steaming pile of mediocrity.

I worked at a place like that once. They brought in a "Chief Happiness Officer." A Chief Happiness Officer, for Christ's sake! You know what made people happy? Raises. Better benefits. Not some clown running around with a forced smile and a bag of motivational posters.

The PayPal Mafia Strikes Again

The fact that Schulman and Paasche are both PayPal alumni is… telling. It's like these guys have some kind of secret handshake. "Hey, I know a guy! He's great at… uh… corporate affairs-ing! Let's bring him in and pay him a fortune to do nothing!" And I'm sure Paasche is a nice enough guy, but you know what they say: you can take the guy out of PayPal, but you can't take the PayPal out of the guy.

I wonder if Paasche even knows what the real issues at Verizon are. Does he know about the constant price hikes? The spotty coverage in rural areas? The endless robocalls? Probably not. He's probably too busy crafting the perfect press release.

And the worst part? They expect us to believe this nonsense, and honestly...

Just Another Golden Parachute